fear.

fear is such a powerful thing.

it means that we care passionately about the outcome.

fear of commitment: ultimately is fear that commitment will lead to a change in feelings.

fear of love ultimately is a fear of loss.

fear of failure ultimately is a passion and craving for success.

fear of death is ultimately a passion for life.

fear of judgement is a yearning for love and happiness.


it can be such a strong thing, fear, when done correctly.

dont fear anything that cant kill you, take it in stride, with a grain of salt and use it to be stronger.

and dont worry about judgement, because you are so fucking beautiful just the way you are. seriously.

love.

there is love inside of me.

there is a beautiful person, who feels hurt and love.
who has experienced pain and sadness.
who has let me in to his life.

there is passion and excitement. and the new feelings that surface are intimidating yet exciting! how incredible it is to "just love".

without judgement or fear of anything.

dont get me wrong, its scary as all hell. but it doesnt have to be what it isnt, all it has to be is what it is.

love

i love love.

i love loving.

i love being in love.

and i love recieving love.

i love random acts of love.

uncredited moments of passion where one shows love to another anonymously.

i love actions that show love.

and the simple sweet sincere "i love you" - given or recieved.

sometimes i wish i could share love with everyone, other times i know we all need to find it for ourselves.

ive stopped limiting myself.

Love is meant to be shared!

Ive fallen in love.
its a sticky sticky situation.
but its love.
unreturned, but the great thing about it, is while i wish someone would be here to take care of my sickly self, love given consumes me as much as love recieved, and im not lacking in any way.

love someone.
let it happen.
go with it.

You're amazing J.
thank you for being in my life, regardless of the time length.

sometimes we falter.

but that doesnt matter.

what matters is how you react.

falter. stumble. cry like a girly man on the ground for a bit.

but get.Back.UP.

dont give up until youre dead.

this place needs us.
you.

me.

i need you.





im in love.
i really am.
and im tired of wondering.
tired of feeling like the game is over before its been played.


life is for LIVING!


so go fucking live it!

nobody said life has to be lived standing or sitting or dancing. life is to be lived, in whatever ways make you feel the most alive...without sacrificing the happiness of others.


just do it.

just live it.

just love.

tikkun olam.

that is my life.

always has been. i just never knew it.

so of course, since one is either a jew by birth or an officially converted jew by choice...

if i am neither...does that make me not a complete jew but jew"ish" :]

love you God.

thank yuou for love, and life and the beauty of the two.

and michael c hall.

judaism: tikkun olam and "heaven"

"if there is a life after this one, and a reward for what we do, then surely it will be dependent upon the kind of life we have lived - therefore, let us strive to follow God's path for us as closely and as enthusiastically as possible, for then we will surely know all manner of rewards, especially the one of seeing a world that is a better place for our efforts."

creative juices.

he grabbed his keys and tossed them in the air a few times before turning to her.

"i'll see you later babe." he said and kissed her on the cheek blankly. she felt the now familiar emptiness in his kiss, a feeling that has been present in the recent few weeks. it wasnt entirely new, a few months under their belt. Experiences mostly. She couldnt remember a single weekend passing in the recent months that hadnt been spentwatching some crappy B movie on the couch, or playing midnight scrabble matches with him. His eyes always sparkled, and though he was nearing his thirties he looked like a child when he smiled. Their schedules didnt collide as much as she had wanted; he worked half days and half nights, and she worked a closing shift. Their soft glances back and forth at work gave way to butterflies as their coworkers went about their business oblivious to what was happening. they hadnt defined their relationship, and hadnt cared to. One morning after a few hours of scrabble, as they lie in bed curled only between the white sheets as the earliest sun crept through venetians, as their breaths became slow and steady, he sighed a sigh and softly whispered "i love you." she smiled, sleepily and repeated the words, and not since had they been uttered back.

this fact alone was not forgotten in her mind. as his kiss became further and further and his childlike stare became void and more void, she remembered this clearly. her heart sank. but she didnt give in. instead, she turned to him.

"wait." she said, her voice speaking before her mind had a chance to figure out calculated words.

he turned around and she saw it, that look in his eyes. the one that had her reeling everytime she saw him. he tilted his head and gave her a half smile, but she saw right through it.

"yeah? you need something?"he asked.

she walked up and grabbed his hand, turning on her heels and leading him to the couch. he sat as she did the same and she looked at him, feeling a lump in her throat before the first word even escaped.

"baby, youve not been yourself lately." she paused to silently will herself not to cry. she wouldnt be "that girl", she had decided.

his eyes softened, and he knew exactly what she was talking about. the confusion immediately lifted from his brow and he turned his gaze away from her as she spoke.

her words wouldnt form. they came out like bullets.

"i'll let you leave." he looked back up at her, eyes now filled with fear.

"wha?" he whispered as she continued.

"i mean. i know you've been, you havent been you. and i just miss...youve been distant and its just...i dont want you to resent me..." she babbled and he began to lightly shake his head. she couldnt seem to control the words.

"i...i want to...to be with you, " she stammered "but if you dont think that we have a future together than, i'll let you leave..." she repeated. she couldnt help the tear that fell but her hand immediately brushed it away as though that would hide it from his view.

the silence was deafening for a few moments until he started to nervously laugh and turned his head away. she felt "them" crumbling around her. though no tears dropped from his eyes, she could see fear, and that gave her hope. he turned to her and grabbed her hands with his left hand, letting his keys fall to the ground.

with his right he brushed the hair from her face, and as he slid to the ground in front of her he let his hand rest along her jawline directing her eyes to his.

"i dont want to leave." he said swiftly. "i want to stay. and its not about 'the future of us'." she looked at him, unsure of how she was feeling about the words he said, but the feeling of his hand on her face brought back the rush she felt every time his hand grabbed hers.

"you are my future."

:]

i want to do something about the world we live in. under all this crap is a beautiful place. under all this anger and ignorance are beautiful people. i'd really like to see it for what it really is, not just what its being, before my time here is done.

i feel like my existence is more important than what i've allowed it to become. and its time for something meaningful.

Relig.

Religion. I've tried to find a religion that suits what I believe. I believe a religion shouldn't decide what I believe, but my beliefs should decide my religion. Religion isn't even a word I like, relationship is better.

Closely matching my beliefs are baha'i faith and the quakers (friends church). So I'm still not suited. Good news is that god and I are tight even without a word to define it. I just want to be able to explain my love in a word. That's all the religion words are right?

I believe god loves ME.
I believe sins are only things that hurt others. Sex isn't a sin unless it hurts another, lying is a sin, murder, thievery, manipulation, rumors, gossip those things.

Drinking is only a sin if it leads to misbehavior that hurts another...I.e. DUI.

Homosexuality is NOT a sin, its just an advejctive of a person, like being blond or liking rap music. Its not a choice, rather the way they were created. I love the gays and our society's intolerance is for sure a sin.

God is love and to show him to others is not to just talk and force it down their throats. Its to show them in actions. Love is a verb. One can't say they are exuding gods love completely because they go door to door or tithe 20% when there are homeless asking for help and they judge.

Live your life to be HAPPY but not at the expense of someone else...instead work to make yourself and everyone happy.

I think if we all outlined exactly what we believe in words other than by using the word of the religion we believe. Maybe we'd realize our god is all the same and we could be at peace.

That's what I want.

Love

Love reigns.

Sometimes its hard. I had to clean out a friend recently. I had maintained the just love creedo for so long that I let myself get walked over. Sadly I had to acknowledge loving myself meant setting expectations on how I deserve to be treated. I didn't use harsh words. But I had to walk it to the door of my life and show this person out. Hard times.

On other notes I'm learning life in a new city. Moved to a larger metropolitan area and feel marvelous. Its beautiful. I feel like the air is always cools and crisp and love is in the air. I've met so many wonderful free spirits who love. One in particular wo moved from texas to escape judgement and lifestyle persecution. He is a marvelous gay man who had been treated so poorly. Another is a man who is living day to day and appears so carefree and amazing. Also relearning my existing local friends and relearning their lives and who they are now not just who they used to be its such a wonderful thing.

And I've fallen in love.
A man.
Dark hair.
Handsome.
Good father.
Hard worker.

While he isn't interested in dating. I still go see him at work. To chat for a few moments. He is beautiful and that smile lifts me up. Maybe on day love. This is too good a feeling to share on my own.
Ill tell you more later baby.

For now I go finish work :)

there is someone.

i see him.

and his eye smile lights up my heart.

my hand wants to be held in yours so sweetly.

¹ All night long on my bed
I looked for the one my heart loves;
I looked for him but did not find him.

² I will get up now and go about the city,
through its streets and squares;
I will search for the one my heart loves.
So I looked for him but did not find him.

³ The watchmen found me
as they made their rounds in the city.
"Have you seen the one my heart loves?"

⁴ Scarcely had I passed them
when I found the one my heart loves.
I held him and would not let him go
till I had brought him to my mother's house,
to the room of the one who conceived me.

⁵ Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you
by the gazelles and by the does of the field:
Do not arouse or awaken love
until it so desires.

for you Troops.

hands down.

i love you all. you're amazing.

and i wish that i could say thank you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nr7DcJdbCS0

rooftop shouting

just thought that i would tell you.

i have a son.

and he is MIGHTY wonderful.

amazing really.

just saying.

im smitten.

and the world should know that.

no damn good reason

I've yet to hear a good reason why it is that the gays shouldnt be able to get married.

too beautiful.

i dont want to see the door shut

i dont wanna see the door shut

i dont wanna see the door shut

and the engine start

i dont want to hear "i love you but"

i dont wanna hear "i love you but"

i dont wanna hear "i love you" cuz

its just not the same

you're too beautiful to leave

but far too beautiful to stay

but i want you here with me

either way

youre too beatiful to go

simply too beautiful

you're too beautiful to go

to san francisco

its no secret that i love.

i traveled the impromptu trip up to a stranger of a venue and waited.
the concept of a venue with an underage balcony and a 21 and over floor excited me. I grabbed a cup of coffee and made my way to the second row and sat down.
Wakey Wakey's lead Michael Grubbs was what brought me to Portland. but what captivated me was much more.

i am not a fan of opening bands, until i met Andrew Belle.


there are few words i can use to describe music, because of the intense love affair that i have with her.
music is my muse, my ic, my soul. its quite beautful and intimate.
"nothing goes as planned, everything will break, people say goodbye, in their own special way....oh you're in my veins and i can not get you out..." these words from a previously unreleased ballad, andrew explained, were first heard by the world on the season finale of Grey's Anatomy. but that isnt the only place to hear Belle.
his music has been used by MTV and the CW.
the music is that which makes love to you, and you listen to while you make love. its passionate and overpowering, beautiful and intense, enthralling and awe inspriing.
his soft vocals resonated through the intimate venue and there was complete silence. His stories give the feeling of falling in love, of seeing "her" for the first time, of "him" reaching out and grabbing your hand, that emotion that you feel maybe a handful of times in your life yet try to find every day. I have only been exposed to this feeling through music a handful of times, and his entire set was the exception to the rule. i was touched.
such a beautiful display of emotions set to melody is worthy of far more than a 10$ cover charge.

I immediately went and picked up his album "the ladder" from the merch table (the title track being one of my own favorites", and also the EP "all those pretty lights". they accompanied me on the way home from Portland, all the way to my "for now" home of Salem.
its music that takes you in, and leaves you spinning. i got into my car and i was still singing, i was writing songs in my head. it was beautiful.

After Andrew left the stage, Grubbs came on and set up a simple little keyboard; he learned with this being his first tour with airplanes, that you can not fly a full size keyboard and was improvising on every stop along the way.
accompanying him was Caitlin moe (i know i butchered her name...but i cant even find her on friggin google...which is a shame) she was incredible.
while he usually rocks out with another violinist, this beautiful girl provided some of the sweetest sounds that instrument can make, and at times it seemed by her expression that the music was touching even her, as if it were her first time hearing it. Comic relief present gave the vibe of what Grubbs himself compared to a "house party", and that could not have been more proven by the reaction and the wonder as a result of his rendition of "girls just wanna have fun".
the perfect balance of stage presence, beautiful songs and music, as well as a relationship with his audience that only Michael Grubbs could pull off, left such a positive air to the room after he closed his set.
Songs to Pay attention to: Dance So Good, War Sweater, Almost Everything, Brooklyn, Car Crash among others.

in either case, both musicians albums run around 10$ a piece, and its completely worth it.

they are both touring right now in very select cities so check out their webpages and go see them :]

she was AMAZING.

sentimental you, and faithful me.

Sing it Grubbs.

you can be anything baby....

but just be you.

lets dance.

what if i said that i loved you

what if i said that it was nothing new?

when the sun breaks through the windows,

id still be lying next to you

with the same look of wonder

oh you make me wonder

i want to see that smile

and make those eyes dance

youve got me wondering

oh youve got me wondering.

i always knew, i always knew

youve got me wondering.

i want to see you in the morning

i want to hold you something close to me

baby youve got me wondering.

Subway is raw right?

I broke down.
It was tasty.

like a mother effing mustard seed my friends

this is more of a faith FOR humanity post. rather than a faith IN humanity post.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/health/ct-health-hiv-antibody-07082010,0,6105219.story

this makes me happy.

dont stop giving to those charities. i look forward to a time when we can be rejoicing for a vaccination, a cure for cancer and serious illnesses rather than simply a hope. but for now, ill take hope :]

back to the future?

WHEN THE HECK DID THIS HAPPEN?

this is wen i realize the world is moving too fast for us.

when those that are born in THIS year can have drinks legally and finally stop stealign their dads PBR from the fridge to drink in the park with their friends. my word.

time is short. one minute you're celebrating your 21st birthday and suddenly its years since the last time youve been carded and you wonder where the time went. (slight exaggeration but this DOES make me feel older than i should.)

there are many lessons to teach those who turn 21.

hangover cures. we all have them, which to be honest really only work for ourselves. and there is no proof they do help, maybe it goes away on its own and we thank Aunt Ermas vile of juicejuice for giving us the pickmeup we needed.

my personal favorites and those that i, silly enough, believe do work include the following:

1. avoiding it all together by drinking 1.5x the amount of water as you do alcohol. starting from the beginning.

2. Orgasms. i am a firm believer that sex was the answer to my most recent hangover (in which i did not do the whole water thing).

3. stick to your guns..and by guns i mean the same type of alcohol. dont mix n match. find a good one and overdo it.

4. repeat #2. over and over again if it doesnt work. :]

5. if all else fails. throw up. throw the fuck up. just get it all out. and then crap.

and take heed to the fact that your body is telling you to get that crap out of you, and that it hates to have it all in there.

19eightyfuckingnine.

wow how time flies.

love the life. love the world. respect your elders. enjoy your drinks and drink responsibly children.

pshah.

love you, you drunken fools.

:]

its important to reflect...and to be excited about things.

remember that.

love love love love

listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing.

ive had more than my fair share of drinking. tonight marks the start of my raw fooding.

i ate a zucchini for dinner :} raw...omg. that was a lesson learned. no bueno.

i have had a wee bit of drinks.

and i am enjoying myself.

its amazing the amount of love one feels when drinking :] lets all just have a drink...or quite a few.

its the fifth of july, which is a significant date.

my grandfather was born on this day.

and i am celebrating.

be safe my friends, and love any and everyone.

i love you.

Protesting makes me feel like an uber hippy

there is a protest happening that i am taking part in on Wednesday July 7th, 2010.

a friend of mine is organizing it and hopefully we can change something.

you see her son was born with a very rare disorder. and she fears for the options available for her son. for rightful reason.

http://miraclesandmysteries.blogspot.com/

here is what is currently worrying this mother.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Official protest notice against Budget cuts on Services to families with children who have disabilities

ATTENTION EVERYONE!!! My name is Sharlene Curnow THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ME AND I HOPE TO ALL OF YOU
I have just learned that legislators are going to be putting forward a proposal for budget cuts. This proposal, if accepted, will call for thereduction or elimination of most services provided to children with developmental disabilities.

Impact of Service Reductions on Families with Children experiencing Developmental DisabilitiesIn response to the budget shortfall, the Governor's Reduction Order has included the reduction or elimination of most services provided to children with developmental disabilities. The Order includes the elimination of all family support, elimination of Long term support for Children with Developmental Disabilities, elimination of PC20 Services, reduction in foster care, residential programs, proctor care, and raising case management ratios to 1 case manager to every 300 children.
The following link is the break down of the proposed cuts.
http://www.oregon.gov/DAS/BAM/Allot_Reduction_Pages/DHS_SeniorsPeopleWithDisabilities.pdf
This will be a peaceful civil protest, anything less would discredit us as a united front fighting for the rights of our children.
Location: Capital steps in front of the Capital building
Date: Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Time:9:00am to 11:00am
Be creative bring your own sign, a 3'x6' Banner will be displayed that says..OUR CHILDREN ARE NOT EXPENDABLE STOP SPECIAL SERVICES BUDGET CUTS.

Rules of conduct:
1. you can not prevent or block any person entering or leaving the capital building
2. you can not prevent traffic from moving
3. no littering
4. no loud devises that can be heard inside the building
5. no alcoholic beverages
6. no candles unless you have a drip catch around it
7. no physical contact with anyone

These are the most important of the rules that were provided to me today. It is important that we adhere to ALL of them as we want to make a statement that will stick in the minds of those who walk by.
IF ANYONE IS OUT OF BOUNDS AND GETS OUT OF CONTROL THEY WILL BE ASKED NICELY TO REMOVE THEMSELVES FROM THE EVENT.

I have contacted Channel 12,2 to see if they would be willing to do a story on us, as I feel we need to make this issue as public as possible. Other radio stations and news channels will be contacted prior to the event.
There will be flyers to pass out with information on various people to write as well to dispute these changes.
If you are the parent of a child with disabilities, or have a family member not just a child with disabilities please I encourage you to take a stand for their rights. Spread the word!!
I ask that if you are interested in attending you notify me no later than Friday July 1st, I have been asked by the capital to provide them an estimated head count.
My email address is: acurnow4@comcast.net
Thank you,
Sharlene M Curnow
Mother of Michael Curnow age 3 PVNH

her son is lovely and sweet, as i am positive are the children of others.

how sometimes i feel that we take for granted the LARGE small things such as our health.

my health is wonderful my family has good health. wake up in the morning.

look at your children, your spouse, your lover, your sister, your brother your parents.

and be thankful how beautiful a thing to have their breaths entering the atmosphere.

it is not a slight thing, and not one to be taken lightly, to be here. to be alive. to be.

what beauty!

Jack is my Soulmate

"One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple."
— Jack Kerouac

"It always makes me proud to love the world somehow- hate's so easy compared."
— Jack Kerouac (Big Sur)

you see i may over complicate things with the way i feel in my heart.

this is it.

and that is all.

hippies like sex too.

:]

it is a feel good way to spend time with someone you have love for.

just saying.

(however, there is a safe way to feel good and an unsafe way. thats all.)

i love you!

while discussing my views on love and life with someone very dear to me, we got around to talking about something i have never thought of before.

she began to speak with me about a commercial that she saw which reminded her of how she would like to wake up in the morning and immediately list off the things she loves. how that would set the mood for the entire day and i thought, what an amazing fucking idea.

to wake in the morning and think immediately of that which makes you happy!

why wouldnt we want to greet the day with love?

rather than say "i hate that i have to get up" or immediately think 'im tired" what if we opened our eyes and loved the breaths we breathed, the covers keeping us warm, the blinds to keep out the sun but that can be easily opened to show the beautiful world.

how abut the trees that give oxygen. to get ready for work saying "i love that i have a job and a paycheck" as opposed to only saying "i dont want to work today".

greet the day with love rather than disgrunts.

embrace the day and dont just accept it or get through it.

Love and THRIVE and dont just survive.

this world is for livin in and this life is for loving.

what do YOU love?

im talking about anything.

i love my laptop.

i love the couches im sitting on in all of there red splendor.

i love spandex workout pants and tights.

i love dresses and contact lenses that free me from my glasses, yet i love glasses on lazy days.

i love my camera.

i love my feet.

i love my skin being clear.

i love my eyes and how i can see them in those that are related to me.

i love the fact i have no whole siblings, each from a different mold.

i love and embrace the parents who left me in the dust, the lessons ive learned, the family that took me in. my wolves, i call them. i was raised by wolves.

i love the hangover.

i love sleepovers on the living room floor.

i love forts. i really fucking love forts.

i love the stars.

i love getting little sleep and still waking up rested.

i love infomercials when i just need background noise.

i love my bed. oh how i love my bed.

its not a complete list.

but how wonderful it feels to just love, even if its the small things :]

i make it a goal of mine to update here, to the passersby, the list of things that i love.

and its my hope that you wake in the morning and declare your love.

i love you.

thomas edison

"if we did all of the things we were capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves."

he was a smart dude.

he invented the fucking light bulb.

if that doesn't astound you, then you are crazy.

i do wonder sometimes if that is what he was referring to when he said this.

i mean seriously.

if you invented the ligthbulb wouldnt it freak you out a little?

thats not the point. the point is we need to astound ourselves.

go. astound yourself.

astound someone else.

take your sick coworker some soup.

donate your clothes to a thrift store.

walk around downtown instead of driving.

make one good choice for someone else, instead of just convenience and then COMMEND yourself. YOU must acknowledge that these changes make a difference before you start to believe them.

lover, you can do so much.

just DO.

but i love you anyway.

something beautiful is about to happen...

i can feel it.

so much ugly has happened in this world recently.

it feels like its crumblign around us.

all of our security "blankets" if you will.

the beaches are filled with tar.

michael jackson has died.

people are filled with hate and anger.

litter in the streets.

people without homes.

suits spending money on empty houses and expensive yet bland coffees that go stale and cold in their million dollar cupholders.

politicians campaigning like a high school election, promising things they think their people want to hear, yet avoiding the things that need action.

we cant wait for people to speak.

because, the ugly truth is some people, most people wont.

we have to have a bigger passion, a bigger sense of urgency.

today i emailed my senator, a one mr ron wyden, about green fuels, green energy and creating some green environmentally safe anything.

if we do nothing to prevent another oil spill it will happen again, on top of this point, what are we doing to avoid an "air spill". we pollute our environment daily.

lets face it we need better options.

i was thinking today, and this simple thought crossed my mind and i was finally able to put it into words.

i want to do something about the world we live in. under all this crap is a beautiful place. under all this anger and ignorance are beautiful people. i'd really like to see it for what it really is, not just what its being, before my time here is done.
i feel like my existence is more important than what i've allowed it to become. and its time for something meaningful.

i dont know what or why, but i feel as if something amazing is about to happen.

and it is about to unfold very quickly peacefully and loverly.

will it be something nationwide

or something local?

who gives a rats ass, as long as it is a change from what we are doing, and a change for the better, what does it matter?

read these: and get motivated:

http://www.takethewalk.net/

http://www.habitat.org/

http://freshnessfactorfivethousand.blogspot.com/

find your senators, and send emails.

i found mine in ONE google search :]

do not allow yourself to ever have to admit you didnt try.

i love you, very much. and you may never know how much that is.

but im not going to let you suffer if i can help it.

i may not be able to change the entire world...but i can change my own.

in case you havent noticed...

these are NOT in order :] but its a fun game. what is now will be applicable yesterday and today.

in my world. and thats where you are.

enjoy.

sweet sweet

you are so so beautiful.

press your laughter up against my nervous lips.

and lets see how we kiss.

:]

like missing an arm?

in my life of love i have talked to many people.

while discussing the love i feel in my heart, and discussing those that i have loved, and what i have in my life and what it feels like to be single, in whatever sense of the word people take that, someone asked "like missing an arm?".

to which i say, yes and no.

am i in a relationship, or what the average person would consider a relationship? no. and in the traditional sense of the word single one might feel empty. but i dont feel like i am missing love at all.

if love is an arm, i am Sheeva :]

i dont need a lover to feel love, or to feel complete.

i maintain that maybe i dont have all the answers. maybe the most recent love of my life will be again, or maybe it has sailed and we can reminisce on the good times. it ended so unfathomably well, that i can even hope that it is the end so there is no negativity surrounding it and the stigma that comes with ending such a relationship can be proven mythical. i will forever say to said lover that i love them. and im not ashamed of that.

i dont know the answers when it comes to love.

i do not believe people were meant to sleep alone. you are meant to feel the warmth and love of a person next to you.

your hand is meant to fit in someone else's.

music was meant to be experienced, not just listened to. it was meant to bring you to something greater than yourself. you are meant to listen WITH someone, SING with someone whatever moves you.

you are meant to find a passion. something that envelops you into higher feeling and i believe you are meant to be passionate about something WITH someone.

we were meant to walk together.

with someone.

this someone does not necessarily mean boyfriend, or girlfriend, or lover, or husband or wife.

its on a higher level of connectivity.

i do seek for one thing:

for someone to see the love that i feel, and for them to feel it too, so we can talk about it. and we can maintain it for this world as if it were the last shred of hope alive.

i want the world to plant a tree.

i want us all to drive hybrids.

i want the world to strive for clean water for all people.

i want everyone to have shoes. (toms.com)

i want everyone to greet like they do other countries. to greet with a kiss or a hug.

to not have such a closed off bubble.

i want to experience love with people.

maybe its not just person, maybe its all people. maybe i want to engage the world.

its sometimes difficult to have such emotions and such love and to have such a passionate and powerful grip of the world... i feel such content and such happiness. i have a wonderful life. i have people and love and passion and excitement and wonderful wonderful wolves.

its in this matter i cant even begin to accurately explain how i feel.

i dont think i will ever get enough love.

how fucking beautiful.

im such a fucking hippy.

love you.

i get really pissed...

how on earth have we as people, residents of this earth, not cleaned up the water?!

there are some instances in which i feel like we are too selfish a person.

because often times out of sight out of mind just seems to easy. to simple.

dont think about it.

but you need to. we need to.

THINK ABOUT IT.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Deepwater_Horizon_oil_spill_-_May_24,_2010_-_with_locator.jpg

that photo says it all. completely. i wish i had the ability to drop what i am doing and go do something about it.

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/greenspace/2010/06/gulf-oil-spill-hands-across-the-sand.html

http://www.csmonitor.com/USA/2010/0626/Gulf-oil-spill-Could-toxic-storm-make-beach-towns-uninhabitable

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2010-06-26-gulf-widow-oil-spill_N.htm

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/06/27/AR2010062703622.html

http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE65R14K20100628

http://www.google.com/crisisresponse/oilspill/

loving everyone.

i have a new tattoo.

its important that we love. all people.

i have loved 4 men in my life.

one is about my height with pale with blonde hair and blue eyes with a little bit of a tummy on him :]

another is about 5 ft 10 with dark hair all over, dark eyes and about 250 lbs. Rocker turned chef.

another is 5 ft 9 with dirty light brown hair, eyes i cant remember the color of, i know, odd. he wears glasses and is a total nerd.

the last is smaller than i in every way. with brown hair, the most beautiful blue eyes, and the most unreadable personality.

different, and not at all what i would guess is my type. yes my type physically is about 6 ft tall, with deep eyes and dark hair. average in weight and a complete humanitarian.

ive always wanted to save the world with somebody. but i have yet to fall in love with one of those men. i have fallen for others. and you just dont choose that.

in addition i am a firm believer that there isnt just one person for everyone.

i have loved and lost those people, but i do not consider the love to eb gone. on my end i love them the same way i did before. it would be just as easy to talk with them as i did back then. i would feel comfortable watching scary movies and talking about my passions with them. i would sing in front of them, bare my insecurities in front of them and have no hesitations. while i may not be with them, the love is there.

love should be for everyone. i want to experience love for all people on such a level. recently myself and one love broke up.

i went through a bit of a spell dealing with it and escaped to a beautiful city.

i spent some time with friends of mine. and really felt love.

my friends and i sat on the couch and held hands and just spent time together. sounds silly but it felt great. just sitting in the presence of people i love, hugging and holding hands felt wonderful to feel close to someone in that way without the binds of a relationship or the obligation of it. they didnt have to, neither did i. it was four of us. 2 gentlemen and 2 ladies and we just spent time together. no emotionally driven desire for relationship just pure unfiltered love. i then spent the next day with a friend of mine and we walked through town together. holding hands and feeling close to one another. nothing blurring the lines of love, and without a care in the world.

to hear the words "you're beautiful" from someone not obligated to say it or not in such a position in your life, as a lover often is, is amazing. that i can look to a friend and tell him "you are a wonderful person" unprovoked feels so free.

its important that we have these moments in times that are good. to hear "i love you" from a friend in a time that is good and not just at a hard time in your life feels even that much more amazing.

the ability to go to a friend and tell them its a hard time, and lay in their lap watching a movie while they run their fingers through your hair and then to be able to get up and go your separate ways is amazing and freeing.

i have respected my previous loves by not doing anything with my friends they dont feel comfortable with. and there are obvious things i dont do. no kissing or going past the lines of friendship in that way. no intimacy aside from just affection. if emotions are involved, you run the risk of playign with fire.

but sometimes fireplay is good!

its respect and love for each other and it really supports personal freedom and love. these friends you have, they are everything! those ones that have been there for you for so long. in some cases, when you have trouble in your love with lovers, you turn to these people for advice and support, for love and laughs. in this case i have known and loved each of these people for about 8 years on average. and those ones stick with you for a reason. one of my close friends (i dont believe in a best friend) and i will sit together and cross legs and she and i will just watch tv. hold hands and talk and laugh. ill brush her hair or she will brush mine. we take care of each other and why should these behaviors be afforded to just members of the same sex?

while i can understand the complexity of such behaviors i dont agree with them. and i choose to love unashamed.

the old adage true love waits is not the one i follow. more like true love loves.

from all sides. you dont just feel true love from those you marry, but also those who have loved you for years and love you through all. its merely a different kind of love.

i love you.

i love me.

and i love life.

how do you show love? it may not be physical or verbal but somethign unique in a way only you do.

its powerful :]

just love.

just love my ass.

sometimes the whole Just Love theory is put to the test when it means loving someone that you really dont want to.

or that you want to, it just really hurts to.

but it hasnt failed me in the past. just saying.

Frenemies.

Whoever said kep your friends close and your enemies closer was a skeptical mother fucker. Don't have enemies to begin with.

This message was sent 6 years ago to my crappy at the time state of the art motorola v180. Wahoo!
I'm reminded of how incredibly Blessed I am to have such wonderful family. Are they all blood related? No, some are referred to as Wolves in previous posts, because I was raised by them. Some are linked by blood. some are just family.

While it is the common belief that everyone has a mommy & daddy, I prove this wrong.
I do not. it has taken many a year to admit this to the world. because until i found my love for humanity i will be truthful in saying i thought MotherEarth and her inhabitants were all douchebags.
I'm not sad about this whole no parents business, because my wolves have long since been there taking care of me, though I could easily have been a lamb to them.

Enemies are what you make of them. Do not let someone you don't care about in so much they can influence your every fiber of being.

Make friends with everyone. And kep your family closer still.

This world is too cold and this time too short to muck it up with anger and hatred. Choose your wolves wisely. :]

heroes in a half shell

(they had a WHOLE shell thank you very much)

Sometimes you just have to let it take you back. i have LONG since been a believer in the T-u-r-t-l-e power. :] from a very young age i watched the movies and played with the toys, and i miss the simplicity of those childhood things. which brings me to my point.

Ever notice how toys don't just do nothing anymore?

I remember about 14 years ago I had huge ninja turtle action figures. They did nothing, I doubt the existence of accessories...if they did have them, they were long lost come day 3.

14 years ago i had cabbage patch dolls that just LAID there. nothing. emptiness in their eyes and souls. but we brought life to it!

I had toy cars you had to PUSH to make go.

I had barbies (albeit i mostly just ripped off their heads in fascination of the ball on the inside, and for the challenge of trying to put it back on...always harder than it looked.) and they did NOTHING.

Now cabbage patch kids don't just sit there, try finding an elmo doll that doesn't laugh, and action figures action on their own, cars move with remotes, and barbies...well now she has a billion siblings and friends and whatnot and its just all gone to crap.

Give the kids back their imagination.

I want my big ninja turtles back. :(

want in one hand....which weighs more?

i just wish someone would plop down $50,000 for me to finish college and then to be able go help those people with my education. with my fluency (is that a word?).

i want to go and free them from whatever hell i have power over.

it saddens me that with the resources of this country that we aren't extending that further to those countries that need it.

no human left behind.

i love you all. im learning your language. and i will find a way to help you.

promise.

it just might take me a little time to come up with the funds for that.

but i love you.

hold on, help is on the way...

calling a total B.s.

so.

i went to mcdonald's today to get food for a couple people in my wolfpack, who unfortunately and inconveniently are not raw foodists.

i then proceeded to go to the Produce Shop near my current home for some food for me.

i spent 7 dollars at Macs on 2 double cheeseburgers and 10 nuggets.

i then got groceries. (thats a lie i got the produce before and got mcdonald's after but for some reason i started this wrong and didn't feel like erasing it, rather i preferred to explain it afterthefact.

im glad i had my groceries because those nuggets smelled DIVINE.

i picked up a couple lbs of grapes, 4 lbs of strawberries, more peaches, cucumbers, more bananas and a few honey sticks.

i spent 19.00 on all that, that which will last me a few days.

essentially i spent 3x more money on about 8x more food.

therefore i again call your bs that its more expensive.

just sayin.

carry on with your day.

and for the love of god. eat healthier.

love love love love

i applied for a job today. weird phenomenon, seeing as how i havent been on the hunt for work in really over 7 years.

its strange. its like being single after being ina longterm relationship, something i also am recently familiar with. strangely, i was with my last employer longer than my last relationship. its odd.

im contemplating a rather large move. a rather rather large one.

we'll see.

on a seperate note, i set my spell check to Spanish on this new wonder that is Windows 7 and it says that a good 90 por cientos of my words are spelled wrong. with the exception of por cientos y otro palabras. :]

its fun.

okay. going back now. update soon.

gosh i love you.

The Devil wears Dolce and Gabbana...

i wonder if the person who thought up these sprinklers that shoot vertically... got the concept by accidentally sitting on a bidet..."

seriously. i LOVE this. it felt nice to pass a structure that you could tell had love and respect for Mother in it.

Mother Earth has treated us well. how hard is it to make shit out of shit that already existed?

don't get me wrong, it doesn't have to be THIS extreme, and you CAN be subtle about it. but i like the concept!

google it (i always do it for everything) and you will find so much CAN be recycled....so why isnt it?

all im saying is this.

dont get plastic bags, get paper...or a reusable one so you dont have to worry about being lazy later.

i have about 12 in my house in random places.

buy recycled! yes it may be .50c or 1$ more, but think of it this way, by doing so you support recycling and will be more likely to recycle in the future :]

recycle your things! or give them to a thrift store to reuse! recycling isnt just recycling. reusing allows someone to make use of your things. have toy exchange parties for your children, dont be afraid to give your belongings to someone else. i GUARANTEE someone needs your shit.

recycle. lets lower our waste. our output can be a greater contribution than what it is currently.

we are better :]

John Lennon

We've got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant. You can't
just accept it and leave it in the cupboard or just think it's going to get on
by itself. You've got to keep on watering it. You've got to really look after
it and nurture it"
John Lennon

was i slash am i a beatles fan? not so much. short of singing one particular song for one particular person...

thats really about it.

but this is exactly what im talking about. combine this with;

Imagine no possesions, I wonder if you can, No need for greed or hunger, A brotherhood of man. Imagine all the people Sharing all the world.
John Lennon
(Imagine)

and suddenly i want to cuddle up in a rolling stone photoshoot with a naked john lennon in the fetal position.

the man had something in his noggin.

but i dont think people listened truly to what was on his mind when he said these things.

when we meet, John, we will have MUCH to talk about.

i love you, man.

(good movie by the way).

Produce Schmoduce. i call your bullShT

i'm sitting in a glorious little coffee shop aptly named the coffee house and drinking coffee, reading, writing, and pondering the meanings of life while Dont Stop Believing rings through the mediocre sound system.

thats a damn good song.

anyways, i call your bullshit.

i do.

because i said the same thing.

people claim that they dont eat healthier because its more expensive.

i used to agree until i realized...its not in addition to all the crap you're eating...its in place of it. and dont go to big conglomerate multimillion dollar stores because you pay for more than just the cost of fruit. also...shop IN SEASON. and you wont pay out the booty for it.

since i started eating raw, i realized you do end up shopping more than before, mainly because you cant buy 2 weeks of produce all the time :]

but i found this AMAZING little produce shop by my house, and its gorgeous selection i fell in love with.

in addition...i will have you know it was CHEAP.

i bought 3 kiwis, 3 oranges, a vine of tomatoes, ginormous red bell peppers, 5 HUGE granny apples, a "hand" of bananas, 2 lbs of strawberries, onions, a kaboodle of peaches. i mean a LOT of food. and i spent 17$. this is enough food for about a week for me along with what i have at home, which is relatively cheap. at a major grocery chain i likely would have spent 25-30$ or so.

this is why we support local growers. they have passion and most of the time they are growing all organic:]

my melons are better than these. but these are cheaper. im sorry but its inflation my friend. :]

Support your local farmers. dont pay for advertising and transportation. buy real. buy local :] i promise it tastes better also!

Song of the day

Weezer - put me back together.

One of the most romantic and intimate things around is music. Its hard to resist taking the songs for what they are on the surface. But I find its much more romantic to lay on the ground and just listen the words and imagine how it all came to fruition. Merely speculation. But beautiful nevertheless.

This one is for shane.

Love you sir. You who inspired me to love.

i havent forgotten about you.

what is this about?

what is it all about?

life is good and we need to feel good in it.

i started this blog for one reason and one reason only: love.

we need more of it.

and today is about love for ourselves.

my cousin committed suicide recently.

thankfully he is an organ donor, and 7 families will feel love once again. miracles and life.

however Andy is no longer here, and he didn't feel the love. through no fault of anyone elses, and i can understand this. why didn't he love himself? why didn't he give himself another chance?

its important to look at the entire picture.

lets be blunt.

i'm 23.

im 5 ft 9 ish.

i'm a size 14. but if i dont get the longs, no go.

with a size 11 shoe.

asymmetrical dimples and prominent brows.

18 months ago i was 281 lbs.

i dont like admitting that. at all.

but i SHOULD! look at me!

im beautiful!

we are lovely people. we are. so different and diverse. lets be honest, you cant choose who you are physically attracted to. but you can choose to love yourself.

i have lost a good deal of weight. and i am not done. but i lvoe me how i am, and thats epic.

the other day while staying at a friends house my body woke me at 530 am, demanding of me some quality time.

i showered and spent some time with myself. i put on a song that makes me feel wonderful and i danced. i danced in the shower, i danced out of the shower. i danced with myself and sang. it felt wonderful. i was having a wonderful time and i saw myself in the mirror, i felt beautiful and lovely. an that is so important. it was at that moment the day was GOING to be good. there was no denying it. this couldn't be a bad day. i breathed it all in. im such a beautiful person. smetimes you need to just say all you are, who you are and what makes you amazing. send it into the world and let the atmosphere know who you are.

im incredible. im quirky and sometimes i dont finish my sentences.

i listen to songs on repeat wayyy too much.

i fall hard when i fall.

i love loving but am scared sometimes of it as well and thats okay.

i want to help people.

i send care packages to soldiers overseas and sometimes letters to let them know they are loved.

i take pictures of myself. i take pictures of others. i really want to take photos of military families who need some professional photos to send overseas to their loved ones.

i love working with kids. their emotion is raw and beautiful and simple.

i love to sing and cardance.

i want to build houses for those that need them.

bring water to families without it.

a dream of mine was to go to africa and help people there.

i want to find the cause of cancer, because im confident its more something that can be avoided rather than cured. i dream about it.

i give to the homeless and really try to avoid judgement.

i love God. even if i hate religion.

i work on my body.

i sing! doesnt mean im good, just means i do it.

i believe and act on doing what you love.

i am in school to master Spanish and ASL and then i want to work for a non profit.

thought about learning phlebotomy and working for the red cross.

i dance! even though its not the best i dance anyway!

wearing sundresses and fun diddies makes me feel beautiful.

i like hand holds and my head on peoples shoulders and that nook where i just seem to fit.

i love my friends very much.

i love people.

i try to pay it forward all the time.

i am there for people.

i like to play footsies.

i love music. it is such an integral part of my life.

i love learning!

i do wish i could get a degree just taking the classes i love.

im not good at math and i accept that.

i want to take a bath like in pretty woman.

i dont always say what i want to or what i mean. but i try.

i really really dont like negativity. i think it breeds more of itself. i try to breed positivity. :]

i love animals.

im learnign to love exercise.

i dont like camping but im working on hiking.

i love feeling powerful and invincible.

i want to take personal defense and kickboxing and martial arts.

i love feeling safe in someones arms, be it family, friends, or lovers.

i dont want to be toned.

im not ashamed of most everythign ive done. i have rethought about my actions in some cases now.

i LOVE to laugh.

i LOVE adventures.

i could drive and ride in the car for hours with just music and a good person with me.

i love me. im a good person, im beautiful and sometimes sexy. i can be adorable or pretty and downright silly.

i have the best sisters and brothers ever.

im an open book and i try not to fib.

i really think that we all need to just open up to others. lay it all on the table.

:]

spend quality time rather than just time with someone.

and i really think we all need quality time with ourselves.

just like dating and courting happens before relationships and marriage...we need more us time.

we are beautiful people.

take a moment and just say all that is good about you. :]

because you know what, i love you. and you should too.

please, if you are contemplating suicide...get help.

its not the answer. you could be here experiencing love and happiness.

let us give that to you.

contact a friend or family member you trust. and talk.

you wont regret it.