what is this about?

what is it all about?

life is good and we need to feel good in it.

i started this blog for one reason and one reason only: love.

we need more of it.

and today is about love for ourselves.

my cousin committed suicide recently.

thankfully he is an organ donor, and 7 families will feel love once again. miracles and life.

however Andy is no longer here, and he didn't feel the love. through no fault of anyone elses, and i can understand this. why didn't he love himself? why didn't he give himself another chance?

its important to look at the entire picture.

lets be blunt.

i'm 23.

im 5 ft 9 ish.

i'm a size 14. but if i dont get the longs, no go.

with a size 11 shoe.

asymmetrical dimples and prominent brows.

18 months ago i was 281 lbs.

i dont like admitting that. at all.

but i SHOULD! look at me!

im beautiful!

we are lovely people. we are. so different and diverse. lets be honest, you cant choose who you are physically attracted to. but you can choose to love yourself.

i have lost a good deal of weight. and i am not done. but i lvoe me how i am, and thats epic.

the other day while staying at a friends house my body woke me at 530 am, demanding of me some quality time.

i showered and spent some time with myself. i put on a song that makes me feel wonderful and i danced. i danced in the shower, i danced out of the shower. i danced with myself and sang. it felt wonderful. i was having a wonderful time and i saw myself in the mirror, i felt beautiful and lovely. an that is so important. it was at that moment the day was GOING to be good. there was no denying it. this couldn't be a bad day. i breathed it all in. im such a beautiful person. smetimes you need to just say all you are, who you are and what makes you amazing. send it into the world and let the atmosphere know who you are.

im incredible. im quirky and sometimes i dont finish my sentences.

i listen to songs on repeat wayyy too much.

i fall hard when i fall.

i love loving but am scared sometimes of it as well and thats okay.

i want to help people.

i send care packages to soldiers overseas and sometimes letters to let them know they are loved.

i take pictures of myself. i take pictures of others. i really want to take photos of military families who need some professional photos to send overseas to their loved ones.

i love working with kids. their emotion is raw and beautiful and simple.

i love to sing and cardance.

i want to build houses for those that need them.

bring water to families without it.

a dream of mine was to go to africa and help people there.

i want to find the cause of cancer, because im confident its more something that can be avoided rather than cured. i dream about it.

i give to the homeless and really try to avoid judgement.

i love God. even if i hate religion.

i work on my body.

i sing! doesnt mean im good, just means i do it.

i believe and act on doing what you love.

i am in school to master Spanish and ASL and then i want to work for a non profit.

thought about learning phlebotomy and working for the red cross.

i dance! even though its not the best i dance anyway!

wearing sundresses and fun diddies makes me feel beautiful.

i like hand holds and my head on peoples shoulders and that nook where i just seem to fit.

i love my friends very much.

i love people.

i try to pay it forward all the time.

i am there for people.

i like to play footsies.

i love music. it is such an integral part of my life.

i love learning!

i do wish i could get a degree just taking the classes i love.

im not good at math and i accept that.

i want to take a bath like in pretty woman.

i dont always say what i want to or what i mean. but i try.

i really really dont like negativity. i think it breeds more of itself. i try to breed positivity. :]

i love animals.

im learnign to love exercise.

i dont like camping but im working on hiking.

i love feeling powerful and invincible.

i want to take personal defense and kickboxing and martial arts.

i love feeling safe in someones arms, be it family, friends, or lovers.

i dont want to be toned.

im not ashamed of most everythign ive done. i have rethought about my actions in some cases now.

i LOVE to laugh.

i LOVE adventures.

i could drive and ride in the car for hours with just music and a good person with me.

i love me. im a good person, im beautiful and sometimes sexy. i can be adorable or pretty and downright silly.

i have the best sisters and brothers ever.

im an open book and i try not to fib.

i really think that we all need to just open up to others. lay it all on the table.

:]

spend quality time rather than just time with someone.

and i really think we all need quality time with ourselves.

just like dating and courting happens before relationships and marriage...we need more us time.

we are beautiful people.

take a moment and just say all that is good about you. :]

because you know what, i love you. and you should too.

please, if you are contemplating suicide...get help.

its not the answer. you could be here experiencing love and happiness.

let us give that to you.

contact a friend or family member you trust. and talk.

you wont regret it.

i feel they deserve their own.

why group them together?

good things each need their own spotlight.

furthermore, i think its a sin to think of them at the same time and not afford them their right to be drank in like a shot of the good whiskey.

feel the burn my friends.

the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!"
Jack Kerouac

six word memoir

i wish that i could give the right person credit for the concept creation of the 6 word memoir.

but we really dont know. if you are alive and you invented it. tell me your name and give me proof and i will give you credit.

this is me not taking credit for it.

but i think that it is good. my Wolf sisters 6 word memoir is "i will follow my own path."

hers is sort of a mantra, a chant, something that she will recite while wearing native american headresses and dancing for the rain to come on the crops. or just wearing normal clothes conveniently while it rains in her homestate which is often.

for another, a mike* if you will.

"its called earning a degree mike."

*name has either been changed because she remembered it wrong, or its right.

for those who root for the underdog. we are about 78% sure that mike did in fact earn a degree.

anyhow,

she brought this up to me and i like it. to have a motto, a short philosophy about life and whatnot, its pretty cool.

so lets give this a go.

never let go of this love:

is a good place to start, to remember why you feel love and for who (or is it whom, ive never been able to remember ((it is called going to college)) neither here nor there).

thats a good one, but how about:

slow to speak, quick to act.

again in terms if love. while it is all nice and cozy to hear those words from someone.

no one cares if i have to say the words i love you, if i dont show them that i do.

offer a hungry person my words of love or a hotdog, chances are they will see i love them by my hot dog, but not get a hotdog by my love for them. does this make sense. it does to me and it isnt your 6 word memoir...so there.

it is something greater than i.

im not going to explain this one. just going to leave a little silence for you to experience it on your own.

start experiencing.

you may stop now.

here is another.

lets have one helluvin experience together.

thats all for now.

its kind of fun. you should try it.

i love

the right to love

i love the ability to express my love in so many ways

i love that i can blog about anything i want, anonymously, and not see shame for it.

i love that i love, and that i can touch and see and hear and smell and feel.

i love that i can FEEL.

i love that no matter where i go, i can be me. and i can CHOOSE to not be me if i dont want to. its a powerful identity crisis.

those are just the thoughts on my head at this moment.

facing my fears in their face

i have a huge fear. one of the greatest. i have a fear of bridges. not standing on them. im fine with standing on them. because i feel over confident in my swimming abilities i spose.

my fear is more concentrated to being in a car on a bridge. because im scared of being in a car underwater.

odd, yet i find it completely rational.

the greatest gift, the greatest act of love that i have experienced would have to be for my 21st birthday. my love at the time surprised me by leading me out to our cars in the morning.

upon opening the door of my escort, whom i called Lloyd (r.i.p. buddy) i see on the drivers side a life hammer in its holster.

in addition to that, he had positioned one on the inner passenger side of his car, so that when i was in his car i still felt safe. THAT is love. i wish i had thought of that myself :]

http://www.lifehammer.com/

The Original Life Hammer®

anyhow.

i faced my fears. not by choice exactly.

i have driven over plenty of bridges in my day, or have ridden over them (which is scarier because im not in control).

but in the past 2 weeks i have gotten stuck on them twice.

over the water.

in my car.

once was a traffic jam.

the other...the drawbridge went up. and holy heck that was terrifying.

it didnt make my fear go away by any means, it is very much still in tact.

but it makes me realize fear itself wont kill you.

and its okay to be scared of something.

inspirational? hardly.

just an experience.

however, my fear is no match for what was waiting on the other end of it.

i would gladly cross any bridge if there was love on the other side.

do what you can with what you have.

i cant reiterate enough how we should spend our lives doing what we can with what we have.

who is to say this life is for living just to benefit ourselves. its far more fulfilling to help others.

this thought is on my mind today as i venture out for a meaningful scar.

i will show you later :]

how can i help others?

how can we love each other more?

how can we all be happy?

man on the corner

Man On The Corner.

There are two houses on the corner of a street closes to my house.

One is a halfway house. The police watch it damn near 24/7 and i dont believe many of them are even allowed to leave.

the other is a big brick house, with ivy growing up the walls; the green arms reaching and grasping to anything to keep it crawling higher.

outside one of these houses, the residents sit on the porch, some talking to themselves, some smoking their independently rolled cigarettes.

across the road in front of the brick house, an older man in his fifties stands outside with a cowboy hat on, holding a boombox from the 1990s, the early 1990s. Sometimes he carries a bible. sometimes he stands with his hands folded.

it occured to me the other day as i passed Cowboy on the way to work, "what if this man is God?" a lone ranger on the corner, watching over people as they pass. i wonder 'should i capitalize the H in him? should i stop and ask him questions?' Should i ask him if i am leading my life correctly? am i pleasing Him? This man could very well just be crazy.

but what if?

What if at the end of it all He asks me "i was there. You passed me many times a week. and you NEVER stopped to say hi."

Then i wonder...

what if he is the convict sitting on the porch of the house across the street?

What if i stopped in front of the stop sign 20 feet from the hous eevery day, and locked my doors...only to lock my doors from him?

what if i kept looking forwarded and avoided him.

what if i have been doing it all wrong because i am a judgemental fool?

the what ifs will drive you crazy.