facing my fears in their face

i have a huge fear. one of the greatest. i have a fear of bridges. not standing on them. im fine with standing on them. because i feel over confident in my swimming abilities i spose.

my fear is more concentrated to being in a car on a bridge. because im scared of being in a car underwater.

odd, yet i find it completely rational.

the greatest gift, the greatest act of love that i have experienced would have to be for my 21st birthday. my love at the time surprised me by leading me out to our cars in the morning.

upon opening the door of my escort, whom i called Lloyd (r.i.p. buddy) i see on the drivers side a life hammer in its holster.

in addition to that, he had positioned one on the inner passenger side of his car, so that when i was in his car i still felt safe. THAT is love. i wish i had thought of that myself :]

http://www.lifehammer.com/

The Original Life Hammer®

anyhow.

i faced my fears. not by choice exactly.

i have driven over plenty of bridges in my day, or have ridden over them (which is scarier because im not in control).

but in the past 2 weeks i have gotten stuck on them twice.

over the water.

in my car.

once was a traffic jam.

the other...the drawbridge went up. and holy heck that was terrifying.

it didnt make my fear go away by any means, it is very much still in tact.

but it makes me realize fear itself wont kill you.

and its okay to be scared of something.

inspirational? hardly.

just an experience.

however, my fear is no match for what was waiting on the other end of it.

i would gladly cross any bridge if there was love on the other side.

do what you can with what you have.

i cant reiterate enough how we should spend our lives doing what we can with what we have.

who is to say this life is for living just to benefit ourselves. its far more fulfilling to help others.

this thought is on my mind today as i venture out for a meaningful scar.

i will show you later :]

how can i help others?

how can we love each other more?

how can we all be happy?

man on the corner

Man On The Corner.

There are two houses on the corner of a street closes to my house.

One is a halfway house. The police watch it damn near 24/7 and i dont believe many of them are even allowed to leave.

the other is a big brick house, with ivy growing up the walls; the green arms reaching and grasping to anything to keep it crawling higher.

outside one of these houses, the residents sit on the porch, some talking to themselves, some smoking their independently rolled cigarettes.

across the road in front of the brick house, an older man in his fifties stands outside with a cowboy hat on, holding a boombox from the 1990s, the early 1990s. Sometimes he carries a bible. sometimes he stands with his hands folded.

it occured to me the other day as i passed Cowboy on the way to work, "what if this man is God?" a lone ranger on the corner, watching over people as they pass. i wonder 'should i capitalize the H in him? should i stop and ask him questions?' Should i ask him if i am leading my life correctly? am i pleasing Him? This man could very well just be crazy.

but what if?

What if at the end of it all He asks me "i was there. You passed me many times a week. and you NEVER stopped to say hi."

Then i wonder...

what if he is the convict sitting on the porch of the house across the street?

What if i stopped in front of the stop sign 20 feet from the hous eevery day, and locked my doors...only to lock my doors from him?

what if i kept looking forwarded and avoided him.

what if i have been doing it all wrong because i am a judgemental fool?

the what ifs will drive you crazy.